“I might or might not have failed catastrophically but crow fucking is weird and the internet won’t give me details”—'30 Seconds Of What The Flipping Dicks Is Up With Bird Instincts' by ookpik (Archive of Our Own)
"Lady Tsunade’s exact orders were, ‘Godamnit Sai, go get your idiot teammates from whatever bit of shiny caught their focus. The other Kage already informed me that twelve international incidents linked to one team in a single year is an unacceptable amount, no matter how much the blonde one reminds them of a woodland creature’."
"Woodland creature," Naruto repeated, mystified.
"You prance," Sakura said helpfully.
"In my defense," Kakashi added. "I actively opposed five of those incidents."
Sakura rolled her eyes in Kakashi’s direction and asked, “Sensei, you disappeared into the forest. We found you in a cave with two bags of chocolate and Jiraya-Sensei’s newest book.”
"That is active opposition. For me."
”—Sai, Uzumaki Naruto, Haruno Sakura, and Hatake Kakashi, ‘Ricochet’ by Strix 4 (FanFiction.Net)
“Eating people who have eaten other people is a bad idea. For starters, it’s a bad idea because you’re eating people. Why are you eating people!? But it’s also bad because it’s an effective way to transmit prion diseases.”—'Cannibalism' by Randall Munroe (what-if.xkcd.com)
“Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: I wonder if asking Ms. Chase to dance would…
Giles: For God’s sake, man, she’s 18, and you have the emotional maturity of a blueberry scone. Just have at it, would you, and stop fluttering about.”—Wesley Wyndam-Pryce and Rupert Giles, “The Prom” (Buffy the Vampire Slayer)
“Twitch does an amazing thing with games, doesn’t it? It took Pokemon, essentially a single-player competitive game, and made it into an amazing crowdsourced seizure. Technology at it’s finest.”—Uncle Yo, “Masquerade 2014” by AnimeNEXT (YouTube)
“TG: quick tz tell me how to calm an angry boyfriend
GC: WHY TH3 H3LL 4R3 YOU 4SK1NG M3?
TG: youre fucking karkat vantas
TG: the real question is why wouldnt i ask you
GC: GOOD PO1NT >:]”—turntechGodhead and gallowsCalibrator, vacation by elliptical (Archive of Our Own)
“Brad actually *shuddered*. He might be a coldblooded man who killed people for pleasure and money, but it still freaked him out to think of his parents having sex, which was kind of cute.”—Brad Crawford, Evelyn Crawford, and Tom Crawford, ‘Glass Houses’ by Viridian5 (LiveJournal)
“What’s this? What’s this? There’s décor everywhere. What’s this? There’s carols in the air. What’s this? I can’t believe my eyes it’s just November come on folks I mean I swear. What’s this?”—bluedragonkaiser (Tumblr)
"I don’t know why I have to wear this," Altaf whined to his mother, Leyla, and Dasaf as they walked in the procession to the temple. Altaf was dressed in his finest caftan and robes, heavily stitched with gold embroidery. It was a fine thing to look at, but not so much to wear. "It’s itchy."
"You are going to the temple. You must dress nicely for God," Malika replied.
"I don’t see why. God sees me piss. What does he care about my clothes?"
”—Altaf, Malika, Leyla, and Dasaf, ‘Scorpion Sands’ by Wanda Walker (FictionPress)
“EB: i can read the screen from here, idiot. we’re on the same sofa.
TG: ok smartass how about from this angle
TG: hope you like a chestful of hot laptop
EB: heh, well NOW i can’t.
TG: ok good
TG: now you shush
TG: better take this off before i render you infertile or something
TG: a million egbert sperm crying out as they wither and die under wifi radiation rays or something
TG: idk is that how radiation works
EB: i dunno, but i am pretty damn sure that’s not how chests work. or sperm. or wifi.”—ectoBiologist and turntechGodhead, ‘The Finer Details of Gay Cluckbeast’ by clumsyoctopus (Archive of Our Own)
“TG: alright alright so whatever im kinda bored
TT: I see. Is Father failing to amuse you? Have his old tricks finally gone stale?
TG: they went staler than the cakemix at the back of egberts cupboard years ago lalonde
TG: and stop calling him that ffs its disturbing
TT: Would you prefer I called him “Daddy”.
TG: dont ever do that
TG: i will literally cut off all ties with both of you if you resort to that in your endless game of parental one-upmanship”—tentacleTherapist and turntechGodhead, ‘The Finer Details of Gay Cluckbeast’ by clumsyoctopus (Archive of Our Own)
“Haha! That homework wasn’t so hard after I started applying to things in my real life. (Acute angles are shaped like socially acceptable pizza slices, while obtuse angles are shaped like real-person pizza slices.)”—Mizu Oyogu, ‘Swimming Anime Dating Sim: VERY BETA’ by ~fifthdimensional (deviantART)
“Still, even if all these theories are hilariously stupid, that doesn’t change the fact that this guy’s death is pretty suspicious.
If I cared more, I might even look into it.
But caring is hardddddddd.”—Mizu Oyogu and Casma ‘Megane’ Kannati, ‘Swimming Anime Dating Sim: VERY BETA’ by ~fifthdimensional (deviantART)
Mizu: “Yea, that’s what I figured. Anyway, this school is weird. Like, all the guys on the swim team go around shirtless all the time and—”
Remu: “Oh now I’m definitely coming to visit.”
Mizu: “Oh shush, you cougar.”
Remu: you have no idea what a cougar I am. When’s the next swim meet?”
Mizu: “Oh yea, let me open my day planner to S for ‘swim,’ subcategory M for ‘meet,’ and since the stars are in alignment and the moon is a waxing gibbous, it must be at why-the-heack-would-I-know-o’clock.”
Remu: “You could just say you don’t know.”
Mizu: “This way is better.”
”—Mizu Oyogu and Goremu, ‘Swimming Anime Dating Sim: VERY BETA’ by ~fifthdimensional (deviantART)
“I worked with a lady who carries a 1.5’ six flanged mace under her trench coat everywhere. some idiot pulled a knife on her and demanded her purse. she calmly informed him “I’ll have you know, I have a mace” and he replied “I’m not afraid of pepper spray” so she laughed and said “I didn’t say anything about pepperspray, I said A Mace” then pulled that bad boy out of her jacket. just to prove she wasn’t kidding, she rapped the guy on the knuckles (and I’d imagine, broke a couple fingers) then said “you know what? you give me YOUR wallet” she still has it in fact, she even showed it to me.”—Amoryl (mcarterbrown.com)
JANE: To whom are you talking?
JAKE: Brain ghost dirk.
JANE: Brain… Ghost Dirk?
JANE: You are lying.
JAKE: No im not!
JANE: Brain Ghost Dirk sounds almost as fake as he is completely made up.
JANE: Oh, for goodness’ sake.”—Jane Crocker and Jake English, Homestuck by Andrew Hussie
“DV: i know how you yearn to make out with your new space boyfriend but no just no
DV: ps we have to sit on that couch no defiling the couch
JH: bit too late for that one! whoops.
JH: i didn’t mean defiling the couch.
RS: Is that supposed to be better or worse?”—Dave Strider, John Egbert, and Rose Lalonde, ‘Battlefield Terra’ by Asuka Kureru (Askerian) (Archive of Our Own)
DAVE: youre flipping out about the prospect of telling me about something youre flipping out about
DAVE: only you could manage to pull that off good job”—Dave Strider, ‘human card games’ by doxian (Archive of Our Own)
“DIRK: What would I even talk about?
ARQUIUSPRITE: I advise you to talk about your interests
ARQUIUSPRITE: Like dairy
ARQUIUSPRITE: Fine art
ARQUIUSPRITE: And muscles
DIRK: Those are your interests.
ARQUIUSPRITE: Good point
ARQUIUSPRITE: I advise you to talk about my interests”—Dirk Strider and ARquiusprite, Homestuck by Andrew Hussie
“Dean,” Cas said with deliberate emphasis, “you cannot comprehend the joy one can find in watching a cat try to fight its way out of a towel.”—Agent Castiel Novak, ‘Shake, Rattle and Roll’ by Ealasaid (Archive of Our Own)