What’s this? What’s this? There’s décor everywhere. What’s this? There’s carols in the air. What’s this? I can’t believe my eyes it’s just November come on folks I mean I swear. What’s this?

— bluedragonkaiser (Tumblr)

"I don’t know why I have to wear this," Altaf whined to his mother, Leyla, and Dasaf as they walked in the procession to the temple. Altaf was dressed in his finest caftan and robes, heavily stitched with gold embroidery. It was a fine thing to look at, but not so much to wear. "It’s itchy."

"You are going to the temple. You must dress nicely for God," Malika replied.

"I don’t see why. God sees me piss. What does he care about my clothes?"

— Altaf, Malika, Leyla, and Dasaf, ‘Scorpion Sands’ by Wanda Walker (FictionPress)

No use crying over spilled milk… violence, however, solves everything.

— juliansmith87, (YouTube)

EB: i can read the screen from here, idiot. we’re on the same sofa.
TG: ok smartass how about from this angle
TG: hope you like a chestful of hot laptop
EB: heh, well NOW i can’t.
TG: ok good
TG: now you shush
TG: better take this off before i render you infertile or something
TG: a million egbert sperm crying out as they wither and die under wifi radiation rays or something
TG: idk is that how radiation works
EB: i dunno, but i am pretty damn sure that’s not how chests work. or sperm. or wifi.

— ectoBiologist and turntechGodhead, ‘The Finer Details of Gay Cluckbeast’ by clumsyoctopus (Archive of Our Own)

TG: alright alright so whatever im kinda bored
TT: I see. Is Father failing to amuse you? Have his old tricks finally gone stale?
TG: they went staler than the cakemix at the back of egberts cupboard years ago lalonde
TG: and stop calling him that ffs its disturbing
TT: Would you prefer I called him “Daddy”.
TG: no
TG: dont ever do that
TG: i will literally cut off all ties with both of you if you resort to that in your endless game of parental one-upmanship

— tentacleTherapist and turntechGodhead, ‘The Finer Details of Gay Cluckbeast’ by clumsyoctopus (Archive of Our Own)

Flash step, quick draw. Strider Bros: ninja cowboys of the wild, wild west.

— Dirk Strider and Dave Strider, ‘Silence is Golden’ by wittyy_name (Archive of Our Own)

Tsun: “I know what you’re up to.”

That’s pretty freaking impressive, cause even I don’t know what I’m up to.

— Tsun and Mizu Oyogu, Swimming Anime Dating Sim: VERY BETA by ~fifthdimensional (deviantART)

Haha! That homework wasn’t so hard after I started applying to things in my real life. (Acute angles are shaped like socially acceptable pizza slices, while obtuse angles are shaped like real-person pizza slices.)

— Mizu Oyogu, ‘Swimming Anime Dating Sim: VERY BETA’ by ~fifthdimensional (deviantART)

Still, even if all these theories are hilariously stupid, that doesn’t change the fact that this guy’s death is pretty suspicious.
If I cared more, I might even look into it.
But caring is hardddddddd.

— Mizu Oyogu and Casma ‘Megane’ Kannati, ‘Swimming Anime Dating Sim: VERY BETA’ by ~fifthdimensional (deviantART)

Mizu: “Yea, that’s what I figured. Anyway, this school is weird. Like, all the guys on the swim team go around shirtless all the time and—”

Remu: “Oh now I’m definitely coming to visit.”

Mizu: “Oh shush, you cougar.”

Remu: you have no idea what a cougar I am. When’s the next swim meet?”

Mizu: “Oh yea, let me open my day planner to S for ‘swim,’ subcategory M for ‘meet,’ and since the stars are in alignment and the moon is a waxing gibbous, it must be at why-the-heack-would-I-know-o’clock.”

Remu: “You could just say you don’t know.”

Mizu: “This way is better.”

— Mizu Oyogu and Goremu, ‘Swimming Anime Dating Sim: VERY BETA’ by ~fifthdimensional (deviantART)

JADE: i didnt ask for this jake!
JADE: i never wanted to see my grandpa in a sexy pair of underpants!!!

— Jade Harley, Homestuck by Andrew Hussie

"I’ll keep that in mind. Anyway, I bet this is the first time a naked man has puked in your sink."

Omar lifted an eyebrow. “I’ve had naked men puke in my silverware drawer.”

— Isaac Dettinger and Omar, ‘Spiders and Snakes’ by Wanda Walker (FictionPress)

I worked with a lady who carries a 1.5’ six flanged mace under her trench coat everywhere. some idiot pulled a knife on her and demanded her purse. she calmly informed him “I’ll have you know, I have a mace” and he replied “I’m not afraid of pepper spray” so she laughed and said “I didn’t say anything about pepperspray, I said A Mace” then pulled that bad boy out of her jacket. just to prove she wasn’t kidding, she rapped the guy on the knuckles (and I’d imagine, broke a couple fingers) then said “you know what? you give me YOUR wallet” she still has it in fact, she even showed it to me.

— Amoryl (mcarterbrown.com)

Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.

— Groucho Marx

Funny how Caliborn can drop characters from a great height and yet still be gentler with them than Hussie’s been :P

— xxmisty (Tumblr)