Haha! That homework wasn’t so hard after I started applying to things in my real life. (Acute angles are shaped like socially acceptable pizza slices, while obtuse angles are shaped like real-person pizza slices.)

— Mizu Oyogu, ‘Swimming Anime Dating Sim: VERY BETA’ by ~fifthdimensional (deviantART)

Still, even if all these theories are hilariously stupid, that doesn’t change the fact that this guy’s death is pretty suspicious.
If I cared more, I might even look into it.
But caring is hardddddddd.

— Mizu Oyogu and Casma ‘Megane’ Kannati, ‘Swimming Anime Dating Sim: VERY BETA’ by ~fifthdimensional (deviantART)

Mizu: “Yea, that’s what I figured. Anyway, this school is weird. Like, all the guys on the swim team go around shirtless all the time and—”

Remu: “Oh now I’m definitely coming to visit.”

Mizu: “Oh shush, you cougar.”

Remu: you have no idea what a cougar I am. When’s the next swim meet?”

Mizu: “Oh yea, let me open my day planner to S for ‘swim,’ subcategory M for ‘meet,’ and since the stars are in alignment and the moon is a waxing gibbous, it must be at why-the-heack-would-I-know-o’clock.”

Remu: “You could just say you don’t know.”

Mizu: “This way is better.”

— Mizu Oyogu and Goremu, ‘Swimming Anime Dating Sim: VERY BETA’ by ~fifthdimensional (deviantART)

JADE: i didnt ask for this jake!
JADE: i never wanted to see my grandpa in a sexy pair of underpants!!!

— Jade Harley, Homestuck by Andrew Hussie

"I’ll keep that in mind. Anyway, I bet this is the first time a naked man has puked in your sink."

Omar lifted an eyebrow. “I’ve had naked men puke in my silverware drawer.”

— Isaac Dettinger and Omar, ‘Spiders and Snakes’ by Wanda Walker (FictionPress)

I worked with a lady who carries a 1.5’ six flanged mace under her trench coat everywhere. some idiot pulled a knife on her and demanded her purse. she calmly informed him “I’ll have you know, I have a mace” and he replied “I’m not afraid of pepper spray” so she laughed and said “I didn’t say anything about pepperspray, I said A Mace” then pulled that bad boy out of her jacket. just to prove she wasn’t kidding, she rapped the guy on the knuckles (and I’d imagine, broke a couple fingers) then said “you know what? you give me YOUR wallet” she still has it in fact, she even showed it to me.

— Amoryl (mcarterbrown.com)

Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.

— Groucho Marx

Funny how Caliborn can drop characters from a great height and yet still be gentler with them than Hussie’s been :P

— xxmisty (Tumblr)

"Hey, guys!" Jade called out as she approached, dripping everywhere. Dirk handed her a towel; she started rubbing briskly. "What are we talking about?"

"Incest, clonecest, and whether I’d tap Bro’s ass."

Dave stopped walking to stare. Jade just nodded cheerfully. “Okay!”

— Jade Harley, Dirk Strider, and Dave Strider, ‘Battlefield Terra’ by Asuka Kureru (Askerian) (Archive of Our Own)

JANE: To whom are you talking?
JAKE: Brain ghost dirk.
JANE: Brain… Ghost Dirk?
JAKE: Yes.
JANE: You are lying.
JAKE: No im not!
JANE: Brain Ghost Dirk sounds almost as fake as he is completely made up.
JAKE: But…
JAKE: *Snivel.*
JANE: Oh, for goodness’ sake.

— Jane Crocker and Jake English, Homestuck by Andrew Hussie

DV: i know how you yearn to make out with your new space boyfriend but no just no
DV: ps we have to sit on that couch no defiling the couch
JH: bit too late for that one! whoops.
DV: …
RS: …
JH: i didn’t mean defiling the couch.
RS: Is that supposed to be better or worse?

— Dave Strider, John Egbert, and Rose Lalonde, ‘Battlefield Terra’ by Asuka Kureru (Askerian) (Archive of Our Own)

DAVE: karkat
DAVE: youre flipping out about the prospect of telling me about something youre flipping out about
DAVE: only you could manage to pull that off good job

— Dave Strider, ‘human card games’ by doxian (Archive of Our Own)

"Why are you doing this, by the way?" ~ "The murder or the shower?" YEAH I WANT TO KNOW WHY YOU RE SHOWERING. duuh.

— stridercandy (Twitter)

Updates are annoying, unless they’re Homestuck updates. Then they slug you in the face.

— my sister

"Dean," Charlie says after a moment of Sam and Charlie feeling awkward (although Sam has the look of the martyr about him), “have you heard of the internet phenomenon called Destiel?"

Dean’s nose wrinkles. “What’s that, a foot fungus?”

"Yeah. That’s what it is."

— Charlie Bradbury, Sam Winchester, and Dean Winchester, ‘to boldly (kinda sorta) go’ by mishcollin (Archive of Our Own)